Thursday, March 16, 2006

Bob Ross: Monkey Business


Dear Charles:

I don't know if you saw my writings over a year ago when I reviewed the anti-invitation articles by the Kenucky wonder who calls himself the "Internet Monk," but I noticed that he is still "monkeying" around and has recently referred to me on Matt Gumm's blog.

Yet despite his deprecation of invitations, the Monk has confessed that he has the "invitation system" to thank, for he said in his articles that he, his wife, and his children made their professions of faith in Christ in "an invitational context."

And, as if to salve over his past approval of invitations, he said that "nearly every evangelical Christian" he knows responded to an altar call at the outset of their faith journey.

He went on to explain that he later "met the Calvinists" and he was "ruined." He mentions Iain Murray's anti-invitation booklet, and goes on to embellish the names of a few notable Pedobaptist theologians who teach the "pre-faith regeneration" theory. He arrived at the conclusion that invitations had "corrupted evangelical Christianity," and it appears that he may be trying to demonstrate the reality of that corruption by furnishing himself as Exhibit A.

I did three lengthy rebuttals of the Monk's monktrosities on invitations, and among other things in my first rebuttal I noted the following:

>>Bob: I notice that all of those named are PEDOBAPTISTS. Pedobaptists teach that they received regeneration in infancy, thus would have no use for invitations. Once again, this demonstrates that a great influence upon those who oppose invitations are the Pedobaptists. Spurgeon was opposed to their "invitations" to baptize babies.<<

The Monk threw one of his hissy fits (for which he has become well-known, and he will probably throw another one after reading this)and he whined about how I was "harassing" him. He strongly disapproved of my critiquing his writings, so I referred him to the "fair use" portion of the Copyright law and reminded him that we still were under U. S. law.

I am glad to see that the Monk is evidently still smarting from the stripes of over a year ago. -- Bob L. Ross


At Friday, March 17, 2006 9:52:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

I suppose you saw that the Kentucky Wonder has shaved off his beard. I always wondered what was under all the Monkey hair.

Anyway, I thought I got a glimpse of the Mountain Bloggatollah this morning as I drove past Walmart. It looked like he may have been hanging out from the wee hours of morning.

I could not figure out why the notorious Blogganistic would be sitting on a sleeping bag in front of Walmart. Then it dawned on me, and I asked my self --

"Self, do you suppose the Kentucky Wonder is camping out, waiting for Joel's new book to go on sale, so he can have the first shot at serving up the juicy cauldron to his taverniks?"

Looked like there was a good supply of Bud at his side, just in case it is going to be an extended wait. And I think he had his lapslopper, too.

I will check by Walmart's tommorrow to see if the beardless bard is still hanging out. If he is, I think I will stop and give him a copy of Joel's Best Life Now devotional journal so he can keep a daily record until the Second Coming of Joel. -- Bob L. Ross

At Saturday, March 18, 2006 11:29:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Well, I passed Walmart again this morning, and you would not believe it -- the Kentucky Wonder was leading a protest march!

He was leading a group of a few elderly Pedobaptist ladies from the Kentucky mountains church where he fills the pulpit.

I drove by closely so I could read the placards, and the one carried by the bombastic bard read, "BOYCOTT THE BIG O's NEW BOOK! DON'T AID HIS PROSPERITY!"

When the K-Wonder spotted me, I pushed down the peddle and got out of there in a hurry, fearing he might fling his placard at my car and let out a string unrepeatable expletives. -- Bob

At Sunday, March 19, 2006 11:19:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Charles, on the way to my office this morning -- from whence I will go around the corner for church services in a few minutes -- I passed by Walmart again, and I was again amazed.

The Kentucky Wonder was not on the scene, but there were about 20 elderly Presbyterian ladies, sitting in front a rather large TV screen which had been setup outside of Walmart. They all had note pads and seemingly were watching and ready to take notes on something on TV.

I was able to pull up closer, and I got the attention of one of the dear pedobaptist ladies to whom the Bloggatollah preaches at a Presbyterian church up there in eastern Kentucky. I asked her, "What's going on? Where's the Magnanimous Monk?"

Lady: "He's inside Walmart right now, getting some breakfast at the McDonald's. They have a restaurant in there, you know."

Bob: "What'r you nice Presbyterian ladies watch'n on that big screen?"

Lady: "The Fantastic Friar assigned us to take notes on the Big O's sermon today."

Bob: "Oh, I see. And what notes have you taken?"

Lady: "I so far have the name and number of the sermon . . . that's so Friar Michael can listen to it on the Internet later on, if he likes. He is very keen in keeping up with what's going on at that big church down in Houston. I think it gives him a lot of inspiration to write blogs on the Internet. I sorta think he's trying to help steer his blogging friends away from defiling their ears in some way . . . you know, like, 'Take heed what you hear.'"

Bob: "What's the message you're hearing today from Houston?"

Lady: "Its on the subject, 'Embrace the Place Where You Are,' #299. Friar says they will have it available for listening on the Internet, and he can hear it later, if he chooses. I'm rather old, and I just don't understand all that Internet business. How can they do all those things?"

Bob: "Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it? By the way, what other notes are you ladies taking down?"

Lady: "Oh, Sister McCoy and Sister Hatfield are trying to count how many times the Big O uses the name of Jesus . . . we're taking notes on a few things like that."

Bob: "Well, what do you think of the message you're hearing?"

Lady: "Don't tell Friar Michael, but I am enjoying it! Sounds a wholelot like Calvinism on the providence of God to me. I don't really understand why Friar Michael is so upset by this young preacher. . . . But, please . . . don't tell the Friar I said that . . . it would hurt his feelings something awful. For some reason, the Friar just sorta 'spits fire' when he even hears the Big O's name!"

Bob: "OK . . . I won't tell. The Friar doesn't like to read anything I write, anyway, so he probably wouldn't even notice it if I did tell on you. You get back to your assignment . . . I don't want you to displease the Friar. I hope you can help keep him happy!"

About that time, the Kentucky Wonder wobbled out of Walmart, wiping his lips after breakfast. I hit the peddle and moved out in a hurry! -- Bob L. Ross

At Monday, March 20, 2006 10:41:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

Not much news about the Kentucky Wonder today. It's misting rain, and I suppose he arranged with Walmart for that small tent to be erected for him and the elderly Pedobaptist ladies who constitute his Flock.

His anti-Joel campaign does not seem to be attracting too much interest, so there is no "Monkmania" running wild or anything like that.

In fact, it looked like the Monk was watching Joel's #299, "Embrace the Place Where You Are," and apparently he is "embracing" his place outside of Walmart to give advance warnings against Joel's next book.

Wow! he has a long wait, doesn't he? I saw where the book won't be published till the Fall of 2007. I am going to start putting nickels and dimes in my piggy bank.

Well, by that time, surely the Munificient Monk will have accumulated plenty of miasmic material to stir up and foment the Monkniacs to load their blogs against Joel.

I suppose Joel can at least take some degree of consolation in the sale of so many of his books to the Blogganistas who like to read him to find something about which to blog.

As for now, I am going to try to put into practice "embracing the place where I am" as Joel advised in his yesterday's message.

BTW, I will be in Austin, Texas on Tuesday to make some TV tapes, so don't look for a report on any Monkey Business. -- Bob Ross

At Wednesday, March 22, 2006 2:18:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

I have another "YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS!" report to make on the Pious Holy Man of the Kentucky Mountains.

When I was on my way out yesterday going to Austin, I saw a "Canterbury Tales"-like caravan of Crusaders, marching into the downtown Houston, carrying large banners emblazoned with red crosses and other significant matter.

Guess what?

It was the Marauding Monk, the Kentucky Wonder, the Internet Bloggatollah, with his prayerful band of Presbyterian ladies from the Kentucky pedo-church where he preaches.

They were evidently heading for the Compac Center, where the Big O holds forth to thousands of disciples.

I saw a Banner which read, "I.Monk's Joelly-Land Tour."

Some leaflets were being passed out along the pilgrimage, and the information was as follows:


Join us for a firsthand view --'Your Best View Now' -- of Joel's Place. No Tickets Necessary, Donations Appreciated. COME -- See and Hear the Big O for yourself, and count how many times the Big O uses the name of 'Jesus.'

Lectures and Critiques by the One and Only Monk of the Mountains."

The Kentucky Wonder spotted me, and when I asked him if I might join the Joelly Land Tour, you should have seen the "sign" he gave me!!! - Bob Ross

At Thursday, March 23, 2006 6:09:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

Here is the latest Monk-Gram from Houston.

The Kentucky Wonder and his troop of Presbie ladies marched into downtown Houston and held what might be called a "protest service" on the walkup ramp at the Compac Center.

The Mighty Mullah actually called out over a megaphone for Joel to "come out" and face his protest, but the Big O never surfaced.

One of the 20 pious Presbie ladies in the Monk's "Joelly-Land Tour" carawan privately told me that she heard that Joel was somewhere inside still counting his last Sunday's offering, and even had a long ways to go -- so he wouldn't not take time out for coming out to meet the crusading Monk.

Anyway, the Bloggatolla held forth, reading from a script that appeared to be a ream of paper containing articles he had printed out from the Internet. If you will enter "Joel" on Google, you can probably find all those articles.

I asked one of the Presbie ladies "how" the Mountain Man made converts at the Presbie church in Kentucky. I said, "I know he once said he is a Spurgeon wannabee. Does he use the Sinner's Prayer like Joel and Spurgeon?"

"Horrors, No!" she exclaimed. The Padre is not into carnal methods such as that! He just waits for the Spirit to regenerate them, and when that happens, they don't need any 'sinner's prayer.'"

"But you do know that Spurgeon used the Sinner's Prayer, don't you?"

"Friar Monk never told us about that, so I don't know it. . . . Are you sure?"

I said, "Well, let's just skip over that. If the Friar doesn't use it, he probably has something just as good. Maybe he invites them to his office and checks their spirituality there?"

Another Presbie lady chimed in to say, "Just look at this place! You don't think God has anything to do with this, do you? Why, they say they have 30,000 people attending here, and you know God does not have that many of His elect in one place!"

"OK," I said, "That large number is surprising. Even Spurgeon didn't have that many. Wonder how the Big O draws so many?"

"Why," she said, "it's easy to get a big crowd when you don't preach nothing but 'feel good' stuff. You can always get the non-elect to come in big numbers."

Then in a low, soft voice, she said, "I hate to say it, but even I sorta liked that message #299 last Sunday. But you have to be careful, though . . . even we who are the elect, we might even get deceived."

And with that, I pulled away and headed for Pasadena. -- Bob L. Ross

At Monday, March 27, 2006 1:06:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

Here is the latest on the activities of the Kentucky Wonder, the Internet Bloggatollah who is supply preacher for the 20 or so pedo ladies of the Presbyterian faith and order.

After Joel's great Sunday message which affirmed the glorious Providence of God, working all things for good, according to good ole Calvinist doctrine of highest order, the Apostle of Internet Anti-Joel Peptic Spasms apparently detected that some of his elderly disciples were showing too much favor toward Joel's message, so he decided to pull up stakes on his Protest/Demonstration activity.

So he packed up his placards, and headed for the nearest barbecue place.

I asked one of the presby ladies where they might go from here, and she said they would probably head to nearby Pasadena "to conduct a march around Pilgrim Book Store and toss stones at the devil."

She obviously did not know who I was, and I did not "let the cat out of the bag."

I asked, "Why does the Robed Rector want to do that?"

She said, "The Great One hates public invitations, and he wants to demonstrate against Ross -- a fellow who has dared to critique the writings of the Mountain Mufti against invitations."

I said, "But why does the Mufti hate invitations? Isn't it true that he was saved during an invitation?"

"Yes," she replied, "but he now believes they have corrupted Christianity, and he does not want them used. Even though he and his family were saved during invitations, he thinks they are deceitful, and one of God's elect might make a false profession."

"Well," I replied, "what did he think of his JoellyLand Tour? Did it do any good?"

"O, yes," she said, "We now have a firshand knowledge of where Satan's seat is, and we can more effectively arouse our Internet comrades-on-computers to peck out anathemas against the Big O. A picture is worth a thousand words, and when we show a picture of this place, it will give a better view of just how the Devil operates."

"All right," I said, "I better get back to Pasadena and board up some windows. I'm expecting something on the order of a hailstorm!"
-- Bob L. Ross

At Tuesday, March 28, 2006 10:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

Are you ready for another "YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS" story?

Well, you will recall that one of the Mountain Minister's handmaidens of the pedo-regenerationist sect -- where he is supply minister -- said she thought that the Crusading Caravan of Crusty Chanters was heading to Pasadena after they left the Compac Center -- allegedly to encircle Pilgrim Book Store and toss stones at the Devil -- like the pilgrimaging Muslims in Mecca at the Kaaba.

However, the Grand Mufti of "The Cult of Anti-Joel" Internet crusade, discovered that you cannot go around PBS on the backside -- as the protruding A/C is a barrier -- So, the ever-adaptable Bloggatollah came up with a ready alternative -- stage a book burning of Joel's "Your Best Life Now"!

The bearless Monk went into his huge Caravaning RV and came back with a copy of "Your Best Life Now," and proceded to tear it apart and kindle a fire -- right there on my parking lot!

He had his handheld megaphone over which he was exhorting his band of 20 ladies (who were regenerated in infancy) to march around the small fire, carrying their "Jettison Joel" banners, and leading them in singing, "Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching as to War."

The Kentucky Wonder then called out loudly over the megaphone for "Big Bad Bob" to come out and face the music.

And that's when "all u-no-what" broke loose!

My three dogs -- Baby, Goldie,and Toady -- were started barking up a storm, snarling, pacing,snapping, foaming, and jumping. I could not control them.

Finally, somehow,they decided to check the side door, and the side door must not have been completely shut (which happens sometimes), and those pooches pushed the door open and you should have seen the sight! Faster than a speeding bullit, they headed for the marchers!

There were elderly ladies screaming, running, crying, their stockings ripped, dresses torn, and a regular "HAULOCAUST" was underway! I tried to restrain the dogs, but to no avail.

Fortunately, one by one the elderly ladies finally were able to take cover in the RV -- where they joined the Kentucky Wonder who had been the first to take cover.

I offered to give firstaid to any of the pious flock, but none said she had been bitten. (My dogs are rather discriminating in what they sink their teeth into).

As quickly as possible, the Roving Raiders pulled out of the parking lot and unfortunately headed in the wrong direction -- if they were going back to the Kentucky Mountains! I think they may have wound up in Galveston on beach! -- Bob

At Thursday, March 30, 2006 8:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? -- when the Kentucky Wonder left our parking lot and headed south, I thought he was going the wrong way. But not so -- the Jollyless Joel-Jabber was actually making his way to Galveston Beach, about 50 miles south of us!

And you can just imagine what those 20 elderly pedobaptist women looked like decked out in their 1940s and 1950s bathing suits! You would have thought you were watching a Reunion of contestants from a long-ago Miss America contest!

The Dolly Lama of the Mountains pitched a large umbrella, popped the top off a 'cool one,' and settled down with a book to relax as the waves swashed upon the sandy beach.

The book he had was a well-worn copy of "Your Best Life Now," and the Apostle of Anti-Joel Apologetics engrossed himself in reading, marking, and making marginal notes.

One of the local beach-combing crabdiggers approached the Apostle and engaged him in conversation.

"I see you are reading Brother Joel's book. I have a copy of it myself. How do you like it?"

The hair seemed to stand out and bristle on the Bloggatollah's uncovered chest, and he countered, "What do you mean, 'like it'? What is there to 'like'? The man preaches nothing!"

"Well" the crabdigger said, "A lot of people around here sure do like it, anway. Who are these elderly ladies with you?"

"They are my church flock," the Monk replied,"I am their supply minister in their church's pulpit since they don't have a pastor at this time."

"Is this the whole church?" the man asked; "I think Joel has about 30,000 -- or so I've heard. Howcum you don't have any more than this?"

"Look, fellow," the irritated Mufti snorted, "We stand for something! We don't use high-pressured 'invitations' to finagle people down the aisles! At the Presbyterian church where these ladies go, they do it the old fashioned orthodox way -- they baptize the babies and add them to the church -- and since these dear elect sheep are past the age of bearing children, they don't have any new baby members coming in."

"Why don't you check and see if you can get Brother Joel and Victoria to come up your way for one of the 'Evening With Joel Osteen' meetings?" asked the crab hunter. "I heard that they had 43,000 in New York. You might get some new, young married couples, and their babies could get baptized and join the church. Think that might help the church grow some?"

The Monk rose up, pulled down his umbrella, and tartly said, "Look, fellow, you hunt your crabs the way you want to, and I will get church members the way I want to! And I don't need any help from Joel and Victoria Osteen!"

With that the Kentucky Wonder hurriedly paced down the beach toward a Joe's Crab Shack. -- Bob L. Ross

At Monday, April 03, 2006 12:53:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Charles, you will recall that the last time we saw the Kentucky Wonder, he was head'n for Joe's Crab Shack.

Afterwards, he and his 20 elderly female Presby members from Kentucky were loading up in the Crusade Caravan RV.

I got the attention of one of the aging fixtures of the Presby church where the Friar is the supply pastor, and asked her a few questions.

Bob: You fokes leav'n the beach so soon? Where's the Internet's leading Bloggatollah going next with the Anti-Joel "Outing" Crusade.

Lady: The Grand Mufti of Anti-Joel Apologetics is taking us to Arizona . . . to the Phoenix area!

Bob: Why Phoenix? That's an awfully long trip!

Lady: The Monk is planning a gargantuan Anti-Joel Campaign since Joel is coming to town with his Evening With Joel Osteen shindig!

Bob: Hey, that's late in the year, isn't it?

Lady: Yes, but we need to get prepared.

Bob: What's your plans.

Lady: So far, we have talked about seeking James White's "Reformed" fokes to join in with us. That ought to increase our number by 50 to a hundred, at least. James might whip up a few more on his Dividing Line internet program.

Bob: I didn't know that the Monastic Mauler was friendly with James? When did that come to pass?

Lady: They both repudiate "invitations," and "The Calvinist Flyswatter" . . . and of course, they dislike Joel, terribly so. He is next thing to the Antichrist, you know? I don't think they will have any problems uniting their forces.

Bob: What else do you plan after you get your troops organized?

Lady: For one thing, we are going door-to-door, passing out tracts, trying to arouse the public to the dangers of "Joelism." He is deceiving them by the thousands! 43,000 in New York alone! We must do something to help prevent both elect and non-elect from being deceived?

Bob: Do you think most of them would be "elect" or the "non-elect" -- especially in New York?

Lady: Well, you have a point there . . . probably most of the New Yorkers are non-elect. Not many Reformed up there. And you know, Billy Graham ruined the Big Apple anyway -- what with the invitations, decisions, and all that Arminian stuff.

Bob: What kind of "tracts" are you going to pass out? Chick Tracts, maybe, like "This Was Your Life"?

Lady: Are you kidding me, or what? They will be good, sound, Reformed, Anti-Joel tracts!
The Dolly Lama of Anti-Joelism uses Chick tracts occasionally . . . when he finds them in the toilet and there is no other paper handy! So they sometimes come in handy!

Bob: Do you have plans for a big meeting?

Lady: O, yes; we will have a big indoor, air-conditioned gathering place, and we plan on some guests. We are trying to get Steve Camp for the music. He is Reformed, and Anti-Joel, and I think he would support this effort. We might even try to get Al Mohler to speak . . . he seems to be coming along with some anti-Joel stuff. We are actually going to try to get a debate between James White and Joel!

Bob: But Joel is not known to engage in apologetics and polemics. Do you really think he would debate?

Lady: Well, if he won't debate, we will challenge Victoria! Remember, she sorta had a debate with that airline stewardess awhile back, and she seems to be quite feisty.

Bob: But what if Victoria won't debate? What then?

Lady: Well, I can't speak for the Punjab of Blogging, but we could just put a stuffed dummy of Joel in a chair, and James could debate the dummy! After all, Joel is not much above a dummy, is he? Doesn't preach anything Reformed, does he? Doesn't baptize any babies? So what good is he doing?

Bob: How are you going to feed all these marchers and demonstrators? If you have a large crowd, they might get thirsty in Arizona heat.

Lady: R. C. Sproul was contacted, and he had some Y2K leftovers, and he has donated them to the Mountain Monk. If we don't eat all of those rations before we get to Phoenix, we will make use of the Y2K foodstuffs to feed the marchers. All the drinks will be provided by BHT, the Monk's own tavern.

Bob: Do you expect much attention from the press?

Lady: We hope so. We are notifying CNN and Fox and hope they send cameras. Also, Paul Crouch's TBN.

Bob: TBN? You mean the Frosty Friar would actually be on TBN?

Lady: When it comes to outing Joel, the Friar will pull out all the stops!

Bob: Well, Joel's visit to Phoenix is a long ways off. Where are you going to stay?

Lady: We are going to seek volunteer homes. I know Buff Scott Jr. doesn't like Joel, and he has a condo. I'm sure he will volunteer to house some. Then James and his Reformed brethren will no doubt put some of us up.

Bob: Where will the Monk stay?

Lady: I think he will set up headquarters in one of the better Hotels. The Monk wants this to be a very respectable event, so he wants to have the best in lodging for his operations headquarters.

Bob: Will you have an 800 phone number, so I can phone and see how things are going?

Lady: Probably not, but you can check out the Bloggatollah's website, and somebody at the Tavern may be able to give you some reports . . . if sober ... hee,hee,hee.

With that, I bade her goodbye.

At Monday, April 03, 2006 3:15:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

I could not follow the Kentucky Wonder's Anti-Joel Caravan Crusade out to Phoenix, of course, so I phoned one of my friends in Phoenix and asked him to take on the case of observing the Monkey Business and report back to me. His name is "Joseph," so I will refer to him as Joe. He's quite perceptive, and I think you'll appreciate his reports. -- Bob

Here is Joe's first and very surprising report.

Joe: The Bluegrass Bard arrived in Phoenix today, and immediately met with disappointment.

Here is what I found out from a conversation I had with one of the 20 Presby ladies to whom the Monastic Minister preaches in the Kentucky Mountains. I followed this elderly Dorcas-like lady into a Washateria where she was washing a couple of the Monk's hoary, coarse, burlap, Trappist-like habits.

Joe: Excuse me, Sister, are you with the Internet Bloggatollah's Anti-Joel Crusade?

Lady: Why, yes, how did you know?

Joe: Well, I saw you come from that large Caravan RV over there with the sign on the side,
"JETTISON JOEL." I just assumed you were one of the members of the Monk's "Outing Joel" crusade.

Lady: You are very observant! Yes, we are here to prepare for the Evening With Joel meeting . . .which is sometime later this year. We are planning a rather large and significant Reformed Protest Rally -- on the order of a Reformed Rejection of Rinkydink Religion crusade.

Joe: Well, what's the good word? Any developments yet?

Lady: We are not happy right now. The Cloistered Cleric, our leader, immediately called James White to seek his support, and the backing of the Reformed Baptists out here. We could use them to help inflate our numbers of Anti-Joel protesters and handout "Out Osteen" leaflets. After all, Joel will be drawing several thousand, and we need all the opposition voices we can muster. There's a lot of pre-crusade work to do!

Joe: What is it with James? You mean he won't help you? I thought he might challenge Joel to debate . . . or maybe even Victoria. Can't he and the Monk just kiss-and-make-up, at least to help out against Joel and Victoria's meeting? After all, even Wesley and Whitefield managed to get along in some revival work.

Lady: Well, you know James . . . he always seems to want to be the Big Dog! And that don't set too well with the Vesuvian Vicar of Verbosity. Also . . .with the Monk, it's usually his way or the Outer Beltway!

Joe: But what seems to be James' gripe? Surely, he could help against Joel?

Lady: According to James' expert exegeetin' and according to his friend Phil Johnson, the Monk seems to have departed from the faith once delivered to the Reformed, and gone off after the postmodernism . . . or something like that. Anyway, the Monk just aint the same in James' view. That's their take on it.

Joe: Well, what will the Monk do for support if the Phoenix Reformed led by the Apostle James won't help Jettison Joel? Won't they even let the Robed One speak at the Reformed Baptist Church?

Lady: Not a chance! they would be afraid the Monk would deceive some of God's elect into postmodernism, or something! . . . Anyway, another matter is facing us ladies . . . the Beardless Bard is going to fly back north for an Evangelism conference, and we won't have him with us for a few days. What will we do for a preacher?

Joe: Evangelism? The Monk? Is he into Evangelism? When did that come to pass?

Lady: O, he has always been for evangelism! The Monk studied under Timothy George at Louisville, and he learned all about the right kind of evangelism. He learned that invitations are wrong, decisional regeneration is corrupt, and you just simply depend on the Holy Spirit to get people "born again before faith." He is against all the fleshly froth in evangelism.

You see, that kind of sound, Reformed evangelism will insure good, sound, quality in those you baptize. Why, our church in Kentucky hasn't had a false profession ever since the Monk started preaching for us as supply pastor! The SBC churches can't say that, can they?

Joe: Wow, that is some record at that! No false professions! How does the Grand Mufti manage to be so perfect on that matter?

Lady: Well, we just wait on the Lord . . . till they get regenerated first, then we have no problems thereafter. If you start get'n them down the aisles, praying sinner's prayer, decisions, and that sort of Arminian free-will stuff -- you just wind up with a typical SBC church . . . just full of unregenerates!

Joe: Say! . . . I really appreciate this conversation, and I've learned a lot. I will be hanging out in Phoenix for awhile, and I may take in a service to hear some of King James' exegeetin' over at the RBC.

Lady: Well, you be careful, and if you are still around when Joel and Victoria come to town, you just do a lot of praying! They are awfully deceptive, and you could be misled! They are sweeping them in by the thousands, you know!

At Tuesday, April 04, 2006 3:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

This is Joe again, filing the latest from fab Phoenix. Things are really getting hot out here . . . and it's not just the temperature!

The Caped Cleric from the Kentucky mountains and his troop of 20 Loyal Ladies of Longevity who are helping in the "Jettison Joel," "JoellyLand Tour," and similar campaigns checked in at some motels.

The Beardless Bard is at the Ritz-Carlton and the 20 ladies at Motel 6. The Pious Padre wanted to maintain the image of chastity, so he put the ladies at a "safe" distance to abstain from all appearance of evil.

He brought in some Krystal burgers for the ladies for dinner and then he went to Ruth's Chris Steak House.

While the Reformed Mugwump was away, I managed to interview the ladies, and here is what they had to say.

Joe: How is the Monk's grace gage today . . . after being shunned by James White?

Lady 1: He is livid! Not only did James shun him and our "Jettison Joel" mission, James has actually challenged the Mullah Of Mayhem to a Debate!

Joe: Holy Moses! A Debate? With James the Great! What's James want to debate with the Monk?

Lady2: Postmodernism . . . or whatever they call it. Something our Pious Pulpit Parson has recently discovered as being of great importance to him.

Joe: How did this come about?

Lady3: Well, you know that thing James has on the Internet called the DL (. . . don't confuse that with D. L. Moody . . .) Monk called in and confronted James for not helping us.

Joe: What was the great Exegeeter's response?

Lady4: He started exegeet'n about postmodernity and raking our Parson over the coals. It got pretty hot . . . what with all the exegeet'n and James' picking his nose and snort'n.

Joe: How did the great Bloggattolah take it?

Lady5: He got furious, and threw up both hands in disgust with James. That's when James threw down the gauntlet. He issued a challenge to the Dolly Lama of Anti-Joelism and said he wanted to debate at Reformed Baptist Church this Sunday.

Joe: Well? Is the Debate on?

Lady6: No! . . . the Monk turned him down quicker than you can say "Out Joel Osteen . . .Out Foul Fowler of False Doctrine!"

Joe: So there's no debate, huh?

Lady7: No . . . our Parson is on a Holy Crusade, just like in Chaucer's time. We are out to stop the onslaught of J-V-ism (that means Joel and Victoria), and there is no time to waste on listening to James White's exegeet'n. Elect souls are at stake here in Phoenix -- when Joel and Victoria come to town later this year!

Joe: Do you know who the elect are here in Phoenix? Did the Monk ask James about the elect that are here?

Lady8: No, of course, you don't know the elect till God regenerates them, and then they get baptized by a Reformed church and start indoctrination in the Five Points of Perfect Doctrine. If they don't choke on the Meat of the Word, then you may then know they are the elect . . . if they keep to the faith, that is, and don't go after hirelings like Joel.

Joe: What about those that will be at the Evening With Joel meeting? Elect, or non-elect?

Lady9: Probably very few, if any, of the elect . . . 'my sheep hear my voice' . . . and if they hear Joel, do you think they could be sheep?

Joe: I don't quite understand . . . Monk has brought his campaign all the way from the Kentucky mountains to out Joel, and for whose benefit? The sheep or the goats?

Lady10: Young man, we are not here to argue about such nonsense as that . . . we are on a mission. The Monk knows what we are going. Don't you know that we are told to 'contend for the faith once delivered?' We are not told who the elect and non-elect are, so we have to try to prevent Joel from misleading any of them! If we just keep on elect from being deceived, it will be worthwhile.

Joe: Okah, so how many people in Phoenix do you think will be at Joel's meeting?

Lady11: Thousands, for sure! They will have to have tickets to get in, too!

Joe: Does the Mountain Monk have tickets for all of you?

Lady12: No, we are not going in. Joel doesn't preach anything, so we already know there's nothing for us of the Reformed faith in that meeting. We will be outside with our protest March, holding up our "Jettison Joel" banners and passing out anti-Joel literature.

Joe: Do you think James will go hear Joel?

Lady13: Probably not. You see, if word got out that James went to hear Joel, The Calvinist Flyswatter would probably write James up as being a disciple of Joel, and all that kind of baloney. You know, like they did with James and MacArthur. James never did go along with Mac on that sonship thing, as Phil Johnson has explained.

Joe: Well, what's James going to do? How will he protect his elect flock over at RBC from the wiles of Joel and Victoria?

Lady14: James says he is probably going to offset the J-V evening by announcing that he will be exegeet'n on the Da Vinci Code book and movie -- the chance of a lifetime to get euipped and prepared for that. He's going to bring in some others, too -- like those fellows that R. C. .Sproul had in Tabletalk magazine. The elect need to be ready for this strong delusion!

Joe: Do you think that will keep the Reformed elect away from the J-V meeting?

Lady15: What do you think? Do you think any Reformed elect person who believes the Doctrines of Grace would go hear Joel when he could hear some Reformed preachers set things in order about the Da Vinci Code movie? Only a goofball like Bob Ross would pick to hear Joel over such great Grace men!

Joe: O, you know Bob Ross?

Lady16: Of course, we read the Bloggatollah on the Internet and he pegged him on the blog. The Monk has no use at all for Ross! After all, Ross wrote and criticized the Monk's articles against invitations even after the Monk demanded that he not do so!

Joe: Yeah, I think I heard about that. It really got under the Monk's habit, didn't it?

Lady17: Well, look, we've got anti-Joel tracts to pass out around Phoenix, so maybe we will see you again later on. Remember, keep praying for Divine protection . . . against Joel and also against the Da Vinci Code movie. They are both deadly doses of damnable doctrine!

Joe: Thanks a lot . . . . hope to see you later! I love those Kyrstal burgers, and I'm going to get me about a dozen!

At Wednesday, April 05, 2006 3:14:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. Mohler is wondering whether Joel Osteen is preaching the gospel, and Michael Spencer says, "Amen!"

At Thursday, April 06, 2006 1:01:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



Hey, Charles, this is Joe again . . . all the way from Phoenix. Wow, they say it really gets hot out here! And the Monk is REALLY hot today!

He tried to get the Reformed Baptist Church to let him present his Anti-Joel "Defeat Joel in the Desert" program, but he was cut off at the pass.

Here's the story from one of the 20 Pious Presby Polyannas who are with the Kentucky Wonder on his "JoellyLand" mission. I met this lady awhile ago as she taking a walk outside the church building, where inside the Beardless Bloggatollah was confronting Don Fry, James White, and Don Cross, the elders of the RFC in Phoenix.

Joe: Good morning, Sister! How are things going with the Monk's mission today?

Lady: Not so great! James White and the RFC Elders won't cooperate with our Anti-Joel Crusade plans to oppose Joelism when he brings his Road Show to Phoenix.

Joe: What seems to be the problem?

Lady: I heard something about the "Regulation Principle," or something like that.

Joe: I think it's known as the "Regulative Principle."

Lady: Well, OK . . . whatever. But it seems that those Elders can't make up their minds about how that would apply to an Anti-Joel Crusade. They can't seem to find any Scripture which gives them a 'pattern' about how to do an Anti-Joel Crusade, and if you don't have it in the Word, what can you do? What would be right? . . . know what I mean?

Joe: OK . . . I think I see. They are wrestling with whether it would be scriptural for the Apostle of Anti-Joell Opposition to have the official sanction of the Reformed Baptist Church . And especially since the Monk has gone off into postmodernism. Is that about it?

Lady: I believe so. But they are also in a dilemma about this thing James White wants to bring against Bob Ross.

Joe: What's that?

Lady: Well, Ross has treated James something awful -- as least to hear James whine about it -- and he wants Ross' church to do something about it. James wants to bring his case before Ross' church, and Ross has invited them to come to Texas.

Joe: OK . . . so what's the problem?

Lady: It's that Regulation thing again. They can't make up their minds if it authorizes them to spend money to travel or not for this type of trouble, and if it does, can they go by car or by plane, or do they have to ride a horse? You know, in the Bible, they didn't have cars and planes, only horses, so you know they could not find a precedent for using cars and planes, could they?

Joe: That is a problem . . . no book, chapter, and verse for a car or plane. Wonder if they ever heard of "necessary inference"?

Lady: Well, yes, but one of the Elders said that was "Campbellite" stuff. And they don't want to look like they are Campbellites! The screwballs at the Flyswatter might write them up for that!

Joe: What does James have to say about it? Has he done any exegeet'n on this thing?

Lady: Well, all I know about James' exegeet'n is that he once did some exegeet'n to answer John MacArthur on Titus 1:6. I don't know if he has exegeet'd on this or not. Right now I think James is trying to exegeet on the Da Vinci Code movie . . . he is part of the Reformed effort of R. C. Sproul's to protect the elect from that damnable movie.

Joe: But that movie can't damn the elect, can it? I thought that was impossible?

Lady: You don't understand, young man; if one the ones who claims to be elect gets deceived by that movie, it just might prove they are not elect! You know you have to have good fruit to know you are elect, don't you? And being deceived by that movie is not good fruit!

Joe: OK . . .but what if they later got un-deceived? Are they elect again?

Lady: Well, there is disagreement on that. Some say they can't get repentance again, that is impossible to renew them. But then some say they can. It's all up in the air. Some say they just backslide, like Southern Baptists say, and didn't really lose anything. It's one of those hardnut cases, not everybody sees it alike.

Joe: OK. But what about Ross? Is James and the Elders going to accept his invitation to bring the charges against Ross at the church in Pasadena?

Lady: Just betwen you and me, I don't really think James wants to go. He seems to me to be trying to find something in the Regulation thing which would prevent it. I don't think James would like the Pasadena area too much! You remember what happened to Mickey Gilley's place, don't you! There's some real thugs and nutballs in Pasadena . . . and Bob Ross is one of the main ones!

Joe: But how would he get any satisfaction if he doesn't go and present his charges?

Lady: Well, that's his problem . . . not ours. We don't really care . . . we are the Ladies of the Ministering Monk's Round Table, and we are hot on the trail of Joel and Victoria! This is a Holy Crusade!

Joe: Do you think Joel is worried about you ladies and the Monk?

Lady: Of course he is! You better believe it! Is snake worried about a mongoose! He just won't say so! You'll see . . . one day he will have to show some fear of us. He may be ignoring us now, but we are patient and our time will come. Don't think that his followers won't notice us out here in the hot Arizona sun standing against Joel with our "Jettison Joel" banners flying around!

Joe: Well, you know, Joel might be thinking that even Jesus and the Apostles had enemies, and he's not going to let it bother him. Does he ever say anything about the Monk?

Lady: Well, of course not that you and I could hear! But you know, over there at the Compaq Center, he must have the Monk's Mug on a dartboard somewhere and he and Victoria compete on who can hit the Monk's nose the most with the darts!

Joe: Hey! You just gave me a great idea! I'm going to see if I can get such a board manufactured and I could sell it on the Internet! So many don't like the Monk, I could probably sell a few thousands right off the bat! I bet Phil Johnson would take some of them, for sure! Good by! See you later!

At Friday, April 07, 2006 5:41:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


JOE, reporting from the scene in Phoenix:

Charles, that bull session by the Elders White, Fry, and Cross has not produced any "white smoke" message yet. Course they don't have a chimney, but they do have a steeple -- a 5-pointed one. They have not resolved anything yet, about any decisions that are confronting them.

I talked to a couple of the Monk's Pious Presby Polyannas at the service station, as they were refueling the "JoellyLand" Caravan Crusade RV, and here's the very latest news from the desert:

Joe: Hello again, Ladies of the Ministering Monk's Round Table! What's going on in Monkmania Land today?

Lady1: Hi there! Glad to see you. We've come to fill up with gas for what we like to call the "Monkmobile." The pope has a popemobile, but we have our Monkmobile!

Joe: Well, what's the good word from the Kentucky Wonder? Any progress with his Anti-Joel plans yet?

Lady2: Nothing much. But the Minister of Mayhem does have a "deal" he is up there proposing to James and the other two Elders.

Joe: Can you let me in on it a little bit? Sounds rather curious to me.

Lady2: Yes, we don't mind. Just don't let the Friar know we told you. Since James and the Elders can't find a hole in the Regulation thing . . .

Joe: Excuse me . . . that's the Regulative Principle.

Lady2: Whatever . . . anyway . . . they told the Monk they can't find any authority for them helping out in an Anti-Joel type thing. When the RP was written, they must not have had anything like an Anti-Joel rally to consider. So the Monk has come up with another game plan.

Joe: Well, what's that. I'm on pins and needles to hear it!

Lady1: You may have already heard this . . . that James is rumored to be trying to become such a darling with the Founders and other Calvinists in the SBC that he can pull off getting elected in the near future as President.

Joe: Well, that's just some of that Flyswatter stuff . . . can't put a lot of confidence in that, can you?

Lady1: Anyway, the Monk is making a pitch to James that he will get behind James for SBC president if the RFC will pitch in and help us in our Anti-Joel crusade later this year in Phoenix when Joel and Victoria bring their Big Shindig with Joel to town.

Joe: How would the Bloggatollah be able to help James?

Lady2: He would "puff James" just like William Randolph Hurst "puffed Graham" when young Billy Graham was in Los Angeles many years ago and moved into his big-time status as an Evangelist.

Joe: You remember that, do you?

Lady2: Of course! You see what some good publicity can do for a preacher? Well, the Monk will puff James for SBC president on his blog.

Joe: Do you think that would really help James? The Monk is not all that popular, is he?

Lady1: Well, that's debatable. It might not help him with some. But it will help him, especially with the really "thinking" people. He's really helped Southern Baptists cut their false professions down a lot, with his articles against invitations. I think Jim Eliff did some checking and found that in those churches which stopped using the invitations, their false professions dropped off by 95% percent! You just have to give the Monk credit for some of that.

Joe: Hey! while we are talking Southern Baptists here, do you think most of them actually tune in to the Monk's website? I just don't see James getting much help from the Monastic Bard. What else are those Elders considering up there at RFC?

Lady2: They are still discussing Bob Ross -- how to handle that situation. I think James is just calling that one off. And they are also still talking about the Da Vinci Code movie -- how to prevent God's elect from being deceived by it.

Joe: Do they really think that the elect could be deceived?

Lady2: We are not as deep in the Word like they are. We can't answer for them.

Joe: What about the Monk . . . could he be deceived?

Lady1: Oh no, not the Caped Crusader! If Joel can't deceive him, the DVC doesn't stand a chance! Joel is much more deceptive than the DVC.

Joe: Well, I was just thinking that if the elect can't be deceived, and the non-elect can't be saved, why bother with either Joel or the Da Vinci Code? It won't do much good to try to keep the non-elect from deceived, will it? And the elect can't be deceived -- so who's going to benefit any?

Lady2: We are not qualified for some of those kind of tough questions. We leave them to the Monk.

Joe: What else would the Monk have going for him as an ally of James for president of the SBC?

Lady1: Now that Cloistered Cleric is getting more attention in Evangelism conferences, he could perhaps help James as a result of his expertise in that area. I mean, the influence he has had on reducing the false professions in churches is very noteworthy. Some of those churches don't have any false professions at all to speak of now!

Joe: If James got elected, how does the Monk think it would effect the SBC?

Lady2: I don't think Monk really cares . . . at the moment, he is just trying to get help for his Anti-Joel Crusade in Phoenix. By the time James runs for president, the Monk may have changed his mind about helping James, anyway!

Joe: That would be giving James a well-deserved dose of his own double-mindedness! See you later!

At Friday, April 07, 2006 9:00:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


JOE: Charles, can I add a little "addendum" to that last report? I forgot to mention -- the Pious Polyannas of the "JolleyLand Crusade" told me that the Monk was really elated about Al Mohler's recent blog about Osteen.

You remember, maybe, that several months ago Mohler said some positive things about Joel that got him into "hot water" with some of the more "flaming" anti-Joelites. Mohler sorta put his "foot into his mouth" by saying Joel stood for the Gospel.

The Monk really hit the ceiling on that one! Now that Mohler has blogged again and seems a little more inclined to doubt the value of Joel's message, the Monk has had a virtual "revival." You would have thought he had the "second blessing," according to Ladies of the Ministering Monk's Round Table.

Lady1 said: The Monk has been calling for his Monkniacs to read all the comments about Joel. Mohler has really "uped" his anti-Joel enthusiasm! He's on Cloud 9!

Joe: Has he sent Mohler a message of "Thanks"?

Lady2: We think so. We saw him sitting in his Monkseat (like on the blog) and he seemed to be writing something important.

Joe: Did you see any of it to be able to read it?

Lady2: Well, yes, I used my high-powered binoculars and I did see the words, "Dr. Mohler, would you like for me to lecture at SBTS on the 'Jabber of Joel.' Remember, my mentor was Timothy George, and I am thorougly qualifed to speak on such matters. After all, I initiated the anti-Joel blogging campaign, as you no doubt know."
That's about all I could see.

Joe: What do you think? Will Mohler invite the Monk?

Lady2: Well, Mohler has been known to do some good stuff -- like he got Tom Schreiner to teach at SBTS to propagate the "born again before faith" theology.

Joe: What is that?

Lady1: That's the view of the great scholars like Shedd, Berkhof, Sproul and other Presbyterians who teach "pedo" (infant) regeneration in their very early years. They get regenerated first, then later on they get faith . . . or at least they are supposed to.

Lady2: Yes, and then adults get regenerated like that first -- a "direct operation" -- and then after that they get faith. You see, they have to have "life" in order to be able to believe.

Joe: Does the Monk go for that?

Lady2: Well, he's our Presby church's supply minister, so I guess he is supposed to. He once said he believed it, at least, and said he got it from Presbyterians. That was after he was saved during an invitation. So his Ordo Salutis was a little different, as he got saved by faith first, then found out that he was supposed to have been regenerated first, or before he got faith.

Joe: That sounds awfully confusing to me. What happened to the simple Gospel like Spurgeon and Moody preached?

Lady1: That's out -- like we are outing Joel -- look what that kind of preaching did for Southern Baptists? Millions of false professions! Jim Eliff proved that!

Joe: But didn't most of the SBs get saved under the simple Gospel like Spurgeon and Moody preached? Wonder how Eliff got saved?

Lady2: We are Presbyterians, and we believe it is more of a "process" thing. That "instant conversion" stuff just doesn't set well with us. We don't like sudden "decisions."

Joe: But didn't Spurgeon call for immediate decisions, and don't Mohler and Monk like Spurgeon?

Lady1: They do like Spurgeon, but I don't think that like that part of him too much. You don't think he was perfect, do you?

Joe: Not exactly, but I sorta believe he was the "13th Apostle," but maybe not "verbally inspired."

Lady2: Wait a minute! Spurgeon, an Apostle?

Joe: Well, if the Monk can be a Monk, what's so wrong with Spurgeon being an Apostle?

NOTE TO CHARLES: That's about all I remember that was not in the earlier report.

At Sunday, April 09, 2006 1:14:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


JOE to Charles:

Charles, I had another meeting with one of the Monk's Maidens of Mellowness, and got some hot news for you.

Seems the Kentucky Wonder may have an ally from a Methodist Seminary at Wilmore, Kentucky to join his anti-Joel "Jettison Joel" crusade. Here's the scoop, learned when I met this disciple of the DollyLama of Anti-Joelism at the Post Office:

Joe: Hi there, Sister, what's the good news today?

Lady: We are greatly encouraged! We are getting thru to some real high-ups and may get some help in our coming protest of Joel's Evening With Joel and Victoria in Phoenix.

Joe: Well, don't stop . . . go on . . . I'm waiting with bated breath!

Lady: You've heard of that Seminary up at Wilmore, Kentucky? . . . well, one of the faculty -- a really highly educated dude it seems -- has come out against Joel, and Monk is soliciting his help. He put up an article on a Blog, and the Monk is puffing it.

Joe: Did the Bloggatollah contact this fellow yet?

Lady: Don't know about that . . . but it is possible. This fellow really chowed down on Joel -- about the money thing. Course, he may have overdid it a little. He talked about Wesley's sermon on money, and I don't know how that might set with the Friar. He is more of a Presby man, seeing how he is our supply preacher.

Joe: What's this fellow's name?

Lady: It's Ben Witherington . . . may be a Dr., I think . . . but he even sounded like it would not be right to have a pension or retirement plan . . . and I think even the Monastic One has both of those. But this fellow does seem to know how to do banners, and we need a lot of banners to get attention.

Joe: How's that?

Lady: Well, he said somebody ought to hang some banners on Joel's Place down in Houston . . . like with "Blessed Are the Poor" on them.

Joe: Did the Padre like that idea?

Lady: Sure! He thought it was a great idea . . . might help some of the non-elect to wake up!

Joe: Hold on, just a sec! What do you mean "non-elect."

Lady: Well, you know, you don't think the elect would be going into the Compag Center, do you? Those people have to be the non-elect to follow a stranger like Joel. The only way they could be elect is if they got regenerated as babies, and they just never developed yet.

Joe: Do you think Dr. Ben could take off from Seminary and come out to Phoenix?

Lady: Well, the Cloistered Cleric is trying to entice him. He said he might let him know that the World's Greatest Exegeeter is out here, and he could hear some real good expert exegeetin' at Reformed Baptist.

Joe: Reckon the Great One would let him sit in on the DL, maybe?

Lady: I didn't like the idea myself. You know those Wilmore people are Arminians, and who knows, the first thing out of the hat the Great Exegeeter might issue a challenge to Dr. Ben to debate!

Joe: Yeah . . . I didn't think of that! I don't think James could pass up the opportunity to throw down the gauntlet, do you? After all, he challenges just about anybody but Bob Ross! I even think he challenged Ruckman, but of course Ruckman is about 80+ and wouldn't debate, anyway.

Lady: I would not put it past James to challenge Dr. Ken. I think I better say something to the Friar about that possibility. After all, James is more interested in a debate than he is helping the Monk to "out" Joel and Victoria.

Lady: But on the other hand, I'd better keep my yap shut . . . I might make the Monk mad if I suggested something like that. He'll just have to think of that for himself.

Joe: Did the Monk say anything about Dr. Ben being Arminian?

Lady: Monk may be a lot of things, but he aint crazy enough to let on about that!

At Monday, April 10, 2006 5:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Report from Joe in Phoenix:

Charles, this thing about the Monk's puffing Ben Witherington just may be nothing but puff.

After learning a little more from the Monktourage Maidens, it's not likely that Dr. Ben will come to the Monk's aid here in Phoenix for the protest against Joel and Victoria.

Here's the latest, as I talked with one of the Ladies who was picking up some Krystals for the 20 Presby Patrons of the Pious Padre, members at the Manchester (Ky) Presbyterian Church (PCUSA).

Joe: You're getting some of those little Krystal burgers, are you?

Lady: Yes, we just love them, and they are very economical. The Bluegrass Bard likes for us to keep tight strings on our spending. We don't want to get low on money while we wait to "Jettison Joel" later on.

Joe: Have you heard anymore about the Witherington fellow . . . whether he may come to help the Monk?

Lady: I really don't think that is in the cards. Witherington is probably too high and mighty to have anything to do with this type of Crusade, despite his being against Joel. Besides, I hear he is anti-Calvinist, and his Seminary holds to the theory of "Entire Sanctification" -- a thing which does not appeal to the Monk.

Joe: Wonder why Monk puffed his anti-Joel article, if he is so unorthodox?

Lady: The Caped Cleric will use anything he can to degrade Joel! He is out to "out Joel," and he feels like he is on a Mission From God!

Joe: Haven't I heard that line somewhere before? Isn't that a line from that Blue Brothers' movie?

Lady: It may be, and I think I heard the Monk say that he wished he could get the Blues Brothers to help us . . . maybe do a song or two for us.

Joe: But he couldn't get the Blues Brothers! One of them is already dead!

Lady: Yes, but didn't they get another guy to take his place? Think of it . . . Monk could get the Blues Brothers to sorta mock and tease Victoria by singing "Stand by Your Man," like in that movie!

Joe: You saw the movie, did you?

Lady: Well, I think we watched it one time with the Monk on TV. He sorta favors one of the Blue Brothers . . . you know, a little on the chunky side . . . and I guess he just fantasized of maybe getting their help.

Joe: You know he couldn't have been serious . . . those guys wouldn't go across the street for less than some big bucks!

Lady: I know; I guess he was just daydreaming. Nothing wrong with daydreaming, is there?
Anyway . . . we are still holding out the hope that Steve Camp may help us.

Joe: What about James? Is that any prospect?

Lady: I don't think so. If Monk was able to get Witherington, I just know James would challenge him to debate, since Witherington is anti-Calvinist. You know how James just loves to debate on that!

Joe: Yeah, I don't think he could resist challenging Witherington.

Lady: Oh, I want to tell you . . . Monk was really let down yesterday. He was listening to Joel, making notes, and he just could not stand it when Victoria gave such a lovely message in connection with the Blood and Body of Jesus in the Lord's Supper. Also, Monk could hardly keep from gritting his teeth when he heard Joel preaching that sovereignty sermon on "The Potter's Wheel." Yesterday might be enough to make Monk revise some of his anti-Joel propaganda some.

Joe: You don't sound too "loyal" to the Monk!

Lady: To be honest with you, I think he's a little extreme. But he got himself out on this limb, and it's going to be hard to come back in. And with The Flyswatter making fun of him, word is going to get out that the Monk's anti-Joelism is primarily just good for a few laughs, and that's about all. Now, don't go blabbing to him that I told you!

Joe: I'm like the Monkey -- Hear no Evil, See no Evil, Speak no Evil.

At Wednesday, May 10, 2006 11:25:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear Charles:

This is Joe . . . reporting from Phoenix.

It's a sad time among the Bloggatollah's Anti-Joel Caravan. The Mild Maidens of Monkdom are in a state of depression.

The 20 Handmaidens of the Punjab of Palabber feel deserted by their Swami. He has resigned his post at Manchester Presbyterian Church where he ministered to the Ladies of the Ministering Monk's Round Table. May 21 is his finale.

I interviewed a couple of the lonely Maidens, as follows:

Joe: Why all the gloom, Ladies?

Lady1: We feel forsaken. The Caped Cleric has resigned.

Joe: Resigned? When did this happen? . . . and why?

Lady2: A few weeks ago, on Easter. His last Sunday will be May 21. He had ministered to us for seven years and all he saw was a dying cause. I think he probably wanted to move on before he had to start conducting our funerals!

Joe: This is astounding! What becomes of the Anti-Joel Campaign . . . the JoellyLand Crusade?

Lady1: It's all over. The Fat Lady has sung. We are heading back to the Eastern Kentucky hills. No Anti-Joel March in Phoenix later this year.

Lady2: Yeah, the DollyLama said all he saw was dwindling numbers and the continued decline of the church. So he tossed in the towel.

Joe: What was the biggest problem, or hindrance?

Lady1: Well, you know, the Ladies are all past child-bearing age, and that's how we Presbies bring in most of the elect that join our church.

Joe: How do babies qualify?

Lady2: Babies born to believers get born again very early. Some of them may even get born again before they are even born! They inherit this blessing since we are Abraham's seed.

Joe: I see. Well, will the Kentucky Wonder keep up his Internet Jihad against Joel and Victoria?

Lady2: I suppose so. He has to have something to write about. This has been his "big" thing for quite sometime. Joel is always a hot topic for the Monk. Nothing gets his juices going like writing about Joel.

Joe: Has it really hurt Joel? I never hear him mention the Monk. Does he even know the Monk exists?

Lady1: Well, the Mountain Mufti gets some emailers and bloggers who like it, but then they were probably already anti-Joel anyway. You know how these keyboard jockeys are . . . they like piling on.

Lady2: He's also now talking some about a church in his home. He says his income will be considerably less, so he may be hoping to do something to help out on that.

Joe: Sounds like a "no joy in Mudville" story. Will it be a Presby church or a Baptist church? . . . or what?

Lady1: He says he is a "Christian humanist" . . . whatever that is. I'm not sure he knows what it is.

Joe: Well, what do you 20 Ladies plan to do now that you don't have the Monk to keep you in line?

Lady2: Well, at least we can watch TV with more freedom than normal.

Joe: What do you mean by that?

Lady1: I guess it won't matter much now that the Monk is leaving, but the truth is, we all just love to listen to Joel!

Lady2: Yes, and we won't have to worry about the Monk scolding us for it!


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